so I’m making some necessary changes.

 
you may not see me for a min. you may not see shesopinionated.com for minute.

 
some personal and professional modifications are being made.

 
thanks for your understanding.

 
for those who want to contact me in the future, please use abgood@gmail.com.

 
its been real.

 

~B. Good

I just woke up from a pretty disturbing dream.

 

I dreamt that other people were having sex down the hall from me, and all I could do was sit in another room, isolated, and listen.

How am I gon dream about other people having sex, and I’m just a lowly bystander? That’s a fucked up sex dream.

And I’m a lil confused about how I feel about it. I’m caught between my lack of desire to have sex (even with myself) and the hurt/envy that others are happily & carnally engaged.

I’ve never really been a sexual person. Sex has never been a big deal for me; probably because I rarely get it how I want it. Not necessarily performance wise, but rather with steady frequency and commitment.

And now its like, unless I’m crazy into him, and he’s crazy into me, and we’re solely focused on having sex with only each other, I don’t want anyone coming near me. At all.

I realize this has been amplified by the horrid image of him having sex with her, often, repeatedly, over and over again; meanwhile I’m off to the side somewhere, completely forgotten about.

 
Fuckin’ sucks.

 
And now I’m scared to go to sleep again.

 

 

 

This is SHESOPINIONATED.com,
and everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Ever read something you wrote and go, “DAMN! That was a good ass post. Whoever reads this suuureee is lucky!”

Yeah, me too. But this post isn’t one of ‘em.

 
So I talked a bit about my tendency to self-sabotage…uhh…myself. Its a sick & twisted cycle, because my predictions of self-sabotage are actually a secondary form of self-sabotage as I convince myself that I’ve dun it once again, when in fact……I may have not sabotaged myself at all.

 

wha?

I know.

 
So anyway, I did some cleaning, dusting, organizing, and disposing on Saturday. Ya know, straightening up the living space is unbelievably therapeutic. I fell in love with my apartment, my couch, my room, and mySELF all over again. I even did a lil decorating. I felt more at home and more at ease.

 
With all those positive endorphins running through me, I wasn’t as anxious about me screwing up my own happiness……again. Come game time, I just contacted my friend to see if they were still coming over to watch, and that was all there was to it. And……………………

 
……………………they WEREN’T!

 
Just as predicted.

 
But it wasn’t for the reasons I thought. At least, thats not what they implied (but who knows). No no no, stop it! Whatever reason they gave me, I’ll take it! Had NOTHING to do with me and my big mouth.

They even apologized for backing out. I felt ok about things.

 
Then I remembered that not much earlier in the day, I had backed out of something with someone that I really didn’t wanna be around. But I didn’t blame it on them either.

*sigh*

Its the circle of life. And it moves us allllll

This is SHESOPINIONATED.com,
and everyone is entitled to my opinion.

I was watching an old documentary on Mike Tyson, the “Fallen Champ”. Damn, at age 15, Mike looked like the grown-ass man he is now. I mean EXACTLY the same. Did he ever look like a kid?

I didn’t realize how young and naive he was when he got started in the boxing game, and how quickly he rose to being the youngest heavyweight champ of the world. He had a drive about boxing that was admirable. He worked really hard to get as far as he did, and was taken advantage of most of the way. He lost his mom at an early age, and didn’t have any family to look after him. He adopted his coaches and managers as parental units, and when the best of them departed, he was left with Don King.

Dang.

I was feeling bad for the poor kid. There was something endearing about Mike.

 
Until that whole domestic violence thing came out.

 

Then they got to the rape accusation and later conviction.
(circa 1991)

This part of the documentary was incredibly disturbing. I was still pretty young when this occurred, so I wasn’t fully aware of the politics surrounding the incident, but it was ug-ly to say the least.

They showed parts of the “Free Mike Tyson” rally where Nation of Islam Minister Louis Farrakhan said some……frightening things. Saying things like, what did Desiree Washington, Mike’s rape accuser, expect when she went to the hotel room at 2 o’ clock in the morning. She was accused of being a groupie and being after Mike’s money; and the only reason she cried rape is because Mike didn’t “show her any love” after the sexual encounter was over - apparently he didn’t walk her back down to the limo, so she got mad/offended and cried ‘rape’. Then the Minister asked the women in the crowd, “Ladies how many times have you said ‘No’, when you really meant ‘Yes’?” Farrakhan and several other religious leaders and prominent men in the black community had a good chuckle at that one.

 

Oh the misogyny!

I was mortified. I wanted to spit at the TV. I still don’t have the words to describe the extreme sadness and hurt I felt, knowing that these men could joke about that situation, on a very public platform mind you, and talk about the woman (who was only 18 at the time) like……like……I mean, they utterly and completely disrespected her and the rest us with their mindless banter about how she justified this “rape” by being in this knowingly groupie-like situation (according to them).

 

“Mike’s a wealthy, famed athlete, he’s calling you at 2am, you’re going up to his hotel room……Hello!……what’d ya think was gon happen? Sex was clearly on the agenda.”

 
Yeah, I guess that’s how it always goes down. No one goes to hotel rooms at 2am to talk, use the bathroom, change clothes or anything.  

 
Now I don’t know what did or didn’t happen on that night…and neither do they. To talk down the situation and talk down the RIGHT of a woman, groupie or otherwise, to say “NO” to sex, even at 2am in a hotel room with a rich & famous athlete……that is some callous and cruel shit.

 
I believe that might’ve been the beginning of the end for male/female relations; particularly in the black community (which I am apart of). That exposure of the ugly truth, where (some of) our men stood on this issue……the self-proclaimed “leaders” of our society at that……I think thats when many black men started to openly and freely berate black women, especially those in groupie-like roles.

 
Hmph.

 
……and then that whole Anita Hill thing went down around the same time……

This is SHESOPINIONATED.com,
and everyone is entitled to my opinion.

I got that “Storm” by Glenn Lewis on repeat.

So, a friend decided to “throw me a bone” and offer to come watch the Final Four games with me at my place.

I had previously pointed out to them that anytime I wanna hang out, I always get a “no”, so I was gonna stop asking. This was/is their attempt to “make amends” for neglecting me. While I should probably do a cartwheel at their generosity, I’m cool on being somebodies charity case.

 
Neglecting me? Oh goodness, how pathetic am I? I wasn’t tryna send anyone on a guilt trip into hanging out with me.

 
I reacted somewhat strongly to these words, because I don’t want someone just doing something with me because they feel bad. I’d rather you do it because you actually want to. And I kinda knew they were tryna “make it up to me” when they made the offer, and I was set to go along with it until they actually said that was the reason.

 
And maybe I shouldn’t be like that. If I wanna hang with them, maybe I should just say “Thanks, see ya tomorrow”. But……welp, that ain’t me. Too stubborn, I guess. Too proud. Its all apart of my self-sabotage thing I got goin’ on for myself. I’m pretty good at it.

 
Of course I let them know that while I appreciate the gesture, it wasn’t necessary for them give me a courtesy visit.

 
And now I guess I’ll probably be watching the games alone. Way to go, B. At least I still have my pride right? Whatever.  

 
Maybe one day I’ll get over myself, and accept the wimpy handouts kind favors.

 
Maybe not.

This is SHESOPINIONATED.com,
and everyone is entitled to my opinion.