There’s a homeless woman who stays outside the Rite-Aid (pharmacy) in my neighborhood. She’s always sitting out front, very quiet, very peaceful, reading a book, reading the paper, or taking in her surroundings. If you speak to her, she’ll speak back. But she never asks for change, she never asks for help. She just does what she does.

Is she a woman in need? She appears to be, yet she seems content.

The kind of person you want to help, even though they never ask.

And Then……

 
There’s the lady down the street, posted in front of the Washington Mutual (bank), who doesn’t speak the English, with a beg and a plead written on a piece of cardboard, with a picture of her son and daughter on the back, laminated, asking for money to help feed her kids.

When you kindly tell her “No, I’m sorry, I don’t have anything to give you”, she prods you further as if she’s sure you’re lying. When your answer is still “No”, she sucks her teeth and shakes her head, so as to shame you for not giving up the dough; thus sending you on an all-expense paid trip to guiltville.

Lady, just because I’m standing in front of a bank doesn’t mean I have money. Matter of fact, I’m waiting on someone to come out so they can give ME some money. Shiiiiiiiit.

The kind of person you’re almost glad you didn’t help, simply because they think they’re entitled.

 
I don’t know either woman’s story - these are just my observations. But more than that, I observed my own approach to each woman’s situation.

Eager to do for the one who’s doing for herself. In her I see a reflection of myself. Who I might be if I were in her shoes.

Who I am, in my own shoes. A woman in need……but who is content within herself.

 
I mean the absolute worst. You could be perfectly fine, and the mere mention of their being turns you into a wise-cracking BEAST.

I’m talkin’ about the kind of person where you can’t find anything positive or pleasant to say to them or about them.

NOT.ONE.THING.

 
And while I can crack jokes with the best of ‘em (please believe it!)……I really don’t like ragging on people. It doesn’t do me any good, and its a negative energy that I don’t want running through me or surrounding me.

Fuckin’ up my ch’i.

 
For this reason, I tend to place such people outside of my life. I completely disconnect myself from these people at all costs. Whatever the sacrifice…its worth it for peace in my spirit. And ultimately……I’m doing them a favor as well……saving them from the wrath of B. Good (see, still thinking of others while thinking of myself; I’m not a total ass, lol).

 
But what do you do when that person is still apart of a circle that you are apart of? Do you separate yourself from the circle? Do you kick them out the circle? Do whichever’s easiest? Or do you just learn to co-exist?

Does the circle get a say in the matter? Should they get a vote on who stays and who goes? (kinda like on Big Brother, lol)

 
Has anyone had to deal with someone who literally made your skin crawl as you watched the horns grow out the sides of their head?
 

(ok, maybe that was a bit extreme)

 
But yall figgadeal me.

 
So I got this pseudo BF. In my eyes, we’re “dating”. In his eyes, we’re married with kids.

He’s really sweet and he means well, but……

……there’s always a “but”, huh?

 
Ionknow. I’m just hestitant/scared/afraid/fearful/unsure about solidifying anything with him (or anyone for that matter). I just don’t trust nobody. And I don’t wanna have to kill nobody, so I’m keepin’ everyone’s safety and freedom in mind.

 
But I really enjoy him and his company (when he’s not annoying the shit outta me). He’s truly a sweetheart and has been someone I can count on (for the most part). That’s all that should matter for the time being, ain’t it?

 
Still, I don’t trust it. He’s still a male. He’s still capable of doing some treacherous shit and blaming it on “his nature”.

You know that’s where guys go first. “I’m a man, I need it. I’m a man, I have to do it. I’m a man, I can’t control it.” Yeah, whatever.

But when I’m away from him for an extended period of time……I notice. And I don’t think of his annoying, childish, juvenile, male ways……instead, I think about his generosity and eagerness to please me and be near me (which is another thing that can work my nerves, lol, but I’m realizing that its a positive annoyance and I’m trying to adjust). Sometimes I feel bad about giving him the cold shoulder, or sending a harsh word his way. He’s such a softy when it comes to me.

And at the same time, I swear sometimes I think I’m dating a 5 year old, and yall know I don’t do kids!

He can drive a sista UP a wall.

 
Have mercy, how did I end up here? This has to be some mission from God.

 
Anyways, I’ve been invited to this party tonight. I was gonna invite him to go with me, but I don’t know…

1. There’s gonna be other guys there. Guys that I’m friends with, and who’ll wanna talk to me.
    

2. Homie’s kinda sensitive to that sorta thing, and I don’t know if he’d take it well or have a good time.
    

3. Knowing this about homie, should I still roll dolo to the party? (I haven’t told him who will be in attendance)
    

4. I don’t even know if I feel like going (alone). I mean, the guys are cool and what not, but they’re on the younger side, which means the crowd is gonna be on the younger side, and……the last time I went, it was kinda whatever. I felt like Ma dukes still tryna hang with the kiddies, back when just having liquor around meant the party was crackin. Nowadays……naw, not so much. For me its more about the company I keep. And I know these guys…but I don’t feel I know ‘em enough to go party without backup.

 
Eh, we’ll see. But I think I’ve just decided not to take homie if I do go.

 
I’ll keep ya posted. Oh, and we’re going to the Bronx Zoo on Sunday! YAAAYYYY!!! Yall just don’t know how excited I am. OH, and we went to Coney Island a few weekends ago. SO fun.

That’s another thing I like about him. He likes to go do stuff with me. Pretty much whatever I throw out there, he’ll jump on it.

Teehee!

 
I don’t know bout yall, but I have THE best friends ever ever ever. All 5 of ‘em, lol. Naw, but for real, the people I call “friend”, those who I’ve remained close to amidst our bi-coastal relationship, are out of this world.

 
I need to shout out my bestest friend from the HIGH SCHOOL days. We’re going on 10 years…whew! The reason we’ve sustained our friendship for so long, is because we’re the same in that we not only talk about it, but we BE’S about it. She’s accomplished something MAJOR…something she’s been talking about and planning for the last couple of years. I don’t know who all reads this blog, so I’m not gonna put ALL her biz in the streets, but my girl tackled item #1 on her list of things to do before age 30, and she did it on her own. I’m SO proud! And being able to call her “friend” REALLY makes me look good, lol. *smile* Love ya girl!

 
I just had a visit from my bestest friend from college and beyond! We’re kindred spirits, for real. She FINALLY made it out here to NY to see why I refuse to go home, lol. It was SO wonderful having her here, just like the old days. Even wrecked a BBQ for nostalgia sake…yet we really didn’t even do that much, lol. I was spoiled for all of a week, and now that she’s gone……I don’t wanna go back to hangin’ with the same folks I been chillin’ with in her absence. Its just NOT the same. *sigh* I miss you girl!

I just wanted to take a moment to highlight my “team”, my girls. The ones who make me a better person, just by them being around.

They are my gifts from God, and I’m am SO blessed to know them!

*HUGS*

 
Ok, I really need me a blackberry or somethin so I can blog on the go, cuz I always come across blog-worthy items…but by the time I get to my computer to type a post, I dun forgot ‘em all. ARGH!

 
But I went to Toronto last week (for work), and it was a real experience (I wonder if they’re lazy with the pronunciation of “Toronto” like ATLiens are with pronouncing “Atlanta” - oh, I mean Atlanna). One of my co-workers in the Canadian office was kind enough to take me out for the one night I was in town, we checked out downtown (which looked just like Times Square) and we ate some GREAT Mongolian BBQ.

So how bout, we went to the bathroom before we left, and……homegirl had the bubble guts like what……and she wasn’t shy about it! Now I know, when you gotta go, you gotta go…but damn. I didn’t need to be exposed to all that.

 
But yo, I can’t tell you how many times I left a bathroom stall without flushing. I’m so used to the auto flushers, that I don’t even think about it. Yeah, had to turn around and go back a couple times when I didn’t hear the “swoosh”.

 
CUSTOMS - that was pretty deep. This was my first time really traveling internationally (cuz Tiajuana doesn’t count……I’ll never go back), so the custom’s thing was kinda new. At first when I rolled up on the man in Canada, he was real cool. Took my passport and what not (can I tell you how cool I felt having a passport? LOL, I’m a dork. Sue me!). Then he started grillin’ me.

 
“What are you here for?”

Business.

“What KIND of business?”

Ummm???

He had me stumped yall. I couldn’t remember what I was there for.

Training……market research?

The man was lookin at me with suspicion in his eye, and I was scurred they were gonna deport me back to the US. But then he let me through, and all was right with the world once again.

 
Then I go to get my rental car, and the man there was bothering me somethin’ awful. I guess he was tryna be “friendly” and helpful and welcome me to Canada, but I wasn’t interested. I just wanted the keys so I could get to my hotel. Then he calls himself flirting with me, asking where I’m staying, how long I’ll be in town……look dude, this is really “sweet” and all, but I’m not in the mood. Just hand me my KEYS!

 
But Toronto was aight. I think I could live there. I’d just have to get used to spending Tunies, realize that the 90 speed limit on the freeway is in Kilometers, and figure out exactly how warm is 22 degrees Celsius, lol.

Sidenote: I really missed seeing the pseudo BF while I was gone. And it was only overnight. Damn.